Writing a sympathy card can be difficult.  Knowing what to do and say when someone dies is a challenge for many people; knowing how to write a sympathy card can be just as difficult.  Sometimes the difficulty of it all will stop a person from doing anything including sending out the card they purchased!  But people who are grieving can find solace in receiving a card with the right words in it.  I want to help you think about what would be meaningful for you to write and for someone to receive. 

It may be ok to send an email to your friend, but a handwritten note mailed to them shows that you have taken the time and often means more to the person.  June told me: "I have a box of cards, some with pre-printed words on them and others that are blank inside that I keep in my cupboard.  When I need one, I simply pick out an appropriate card and send it off immediately."

What is the purpose of a sympathy card?  When I send a card it is to help the person receiving it feel just a little bit better in their grief.

I spoke to a few people about how they felt about receiving sympathy cards.  Many said it was nice to be remembered and they appreciated the time that someone took to sit down and write a few words to them.  One young man (age 20) whose grandmother died recently appreciated people telling him they were thinking of him and he said he was "overwhelmed" by the number of people who wrote to his family to express their condolences.  June's sister died last year and she received many cards from her friends and even several from friends of her sister.  She said she was touched by having people let her know how much her sister had meant to them.  She said "It made me cry more, but that was ok." 

When my husband's father died, he received sympathy cards.  His response to this question was that any kind of acknowledgement is important to him. The cards that he received with just a name of them didn't really mean anything to him.  However if someone wrote him a note that had more meaning he appreciated that.  He also said it was just as meaningful to have a phone call or a personal interaction with a person.  Simply the card wasn't that meaningful to him. My mother died a few years ago and I received sympathy cards.   I received sympathy cards from friends, family, people I worked with, and people that worked with my husband.  It was very comforting receiving each and every one of those cards.  I highly recommend sending cards because it helped me to remember that even though my mother had died, there were people still here on earth that loved or cared about me!  But then I am such a feeling person! 

If you have experienced receiving sympathy cards in the past, you may be able to use that as a guide. Sometimes, if a person has had a death in their family and has received sympathy cards, they can remember back to what others said that made a difference to them and they can use that as a guide.  But that isn't always the case.  Often times a person is lucky enough that there have been no deaths in their family or close circle.   So let me tell you about my experiences. 

It is important to think about your friend and think about what would be meaningful and helpful and comforting to them.  The common thread between my husband and me is that we are thought of and acknowledged.  The method differs slightly.

So here are some words to get you started:

"I knew your mother and always enjoyed a visit with her.  I will miss that. "

"I worked with your father for many years and we made quite a difference in that company working together on many projects!  It was a surprise and a shock to learn of his death.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family." 

"Although I will be out of town on the day of the funeral I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you.  We'll get together when I am home again."

"Megan made me laugh.  She would often dress up in funny hats and wear them to work because she said our office was too somber.  How we will miss her laughter and her ability to make us laugh!"

Even though I never met your mother, I know how much she meant to you.  Remember that you have many friends surrounding you and caring about you."

If you knew the person who has just passed away, you might tell a little story about that person.  Here is an example of what I might have sent to my cousin when his mother died:

 "Your mother was the hostess of the Island.  Whenever we visited the island, of course we would stop at Margaret's house.  We'd have morning coffee and freshly baked buns at her kitchen table. Usually we wouldn't be the only company at that table.  I remember her standing over her counter, scooping flour out of her specially designed flour cupboard and intent on making her next batch of buns.  She always was smiling and she always had an optimistic perspective of life.  I can still hear her telling me that "Deek (the old Labrador Retriever) wasn't a house dog - one swing of his tail and he would wipe the coffee table clean!"  I laugh every time I hear her words in my head."

If you can't think of anything personal to say, here are several phrases that are appropriate:

"Susan will always be in our hearts and memories."

"Please accept our condolences on the loss of your brother."

"I am sorry for your loss."

There are some things that you should never say!  Do not tell a person how they should feel, how they should act or what they should think.  Do not use phrases such as "Time heals all wounds" (it may but at the moment it may be very painful to hear that you are going to get over the loss of the person that meant so much to you!).  Don't say "It was Jack's time to go" or "He's out of pain now." 

You don't have to write an essay.  You may choose a few good words about keeping the person in your thoughts and prayers or about missing the person who died.  Whatever you choose to say, be sure it comes from the heart.